God can no longer be found in church because He hangs out on Facebook everyday @TheGoodLordAbove. When His Holy Spirit fills me, I press Like (’cause I enjoy giving back).
God is wise, accepting that this is a post-slavery, Black matters, Me Too, Bill Maher era wherein (almost) everyone believes the Earth is round. Consequently, this week, God asked His followers what new Commandments He should create. As God expected, the response was better than the Bible (especially the first part).
There have been a few nasty comments by conservatives and evangelicals which makes God sympathise with Stephen King who moans that he’s a better writer now but people keep putting his oldest books on their Best Of lists.
God is a better writer now – he is God! And He supports education. It’s one of the reasons why He has upgraded from the Shakespearean “thou shalt not” to the trendy “you will not” – He’s with the times… but not baggy hip-hop pants jigging to Kanye West’s new album, ‘Jesus is King’ which Pitchfork described as “a largely flawed record about one man’s love of the Lord (and himself).”
If you look towards the sunrise, you’ll witness a kinder world on its way. Belinda Carlisle’s singing the soundtrack, “Ooh, Heaven is a place called Earth.”
Wanting to serve God, I sorted the best suggestions for new commandments. Do you have any to add?
THE NEW 10 COMMANDMENTS
1. You will always be the person your dog thinks you are.
2. You will have all the kittens your heart desires, without judgement from others.
3. You will not order a steak well done.
4. You will understand that accommodating your gluten-free diet is not the problem of others, and that no matter how high the charge for colon irrigation, it’s a good price.
5. You will act appropriate to the realisation that you are Human and that this is currently the only planet supporting Human Life.
6. You will stop worrying about worldly shit that’s got nothing to do with you, and mind your own business locally too.
7. You will not text and drive. You will not text and drive. You will not text and drive.
8. You will not urinate on the seat and floor of your workplace bathroom.
9. You will view the movie Idiocracy as an educational documentary.
10. You will live your life in wonderful manner that results in the Westboro Baptist Church protesting at your funeral.
ANOTHER 10 COMMANDMENTS
1. You will accept that we need not look alike, feel alike, think alike, or be alike to love alike.
2. You will not make decisions regarding a body part you don’t possess.
3. You will not marry a child, or sleep with your child.
4. You will not cast away the gifts of critical thinking and understanding which God bestowed upon you, lest you become a lamb to the slaughter.
5. You will not be a billionaire who lets people starve.
5. You will pay teachers and nurses a livable and respectful salary.
6. You will spend more money on children’s education and everyone’s health care than on greedy war and selfish tithes.
7. You will do background research on political candidates, understanding their policies before voting. You will not elect or support a leader whose choices are clearly against My Commandments. You will not worship ideology or a political party more than your fellow Humans.
9. You will accept that the struggle for justice is an ongoing and necessary pursuit that prevails over Human laws and corporations.
10. Most importantly, you will not be a floater in the gene pool, you”ll be an activist for the future.
God cannot make mistake. All grammar errors are mine.
There’s been much debate on the gender and race of God. I was betting my faith on an Arab whilst hoping for a Lady but God’s profile picture proves He’s a white male. I can hear Rowan Atkinson saying, “The colonialists were right” whilst Mmusi Maimane shouts, “Hallelujah!” God also appears to be American (which isn’t a surprise).
It’s Thursday. Welcome to the one and only, the Human race.
YOUR FURTHER EDUCATION
For those seeking understanding of the Holy Commandments, join God’s Facebook page and research the following educational videos…