MY SERVANT, WAKE UP.

Mmmm, whose there? [yawn] Is there someone at the door?

I AM YOUR GOD. I AM EVERYWHERE… INCLUDING AT THE DOOR.

My Lord, My Lord, you’ve heard my prayers! Oh, what joyous morning in Knysna.

NOT SO JOYOUS, MY SERVANT CALLED JUDAS

But… err… My Lord, i fear you have the wrong house.

DO YOU CHALLENGE THE LORD AND HIS SENSE OF DIRECTION? DO NOT, FOR I AM EVERYWHERE AS I AM CERTAIN I TOLD YOU BEFORE.

I would never challenge my Dear Lord… it’s just… that… my name is Gerald.

NO, IT IS NOT. I HAVE COMMANDED THAT THEE BE CALLED JUDAS

[gulp] Ok, my Lord.

I AM DISAPPOINTED.

In meeee?

CONFESS, TELL ME WHAT YOU HAVE DONE SO THAT I KNOW WHAT I KNOW AND YOU KNOW WHAT.

I am bumfuzzled, My Lord. I have worked for years to build a church for you. I have filled it on Sundays with important people in fine clothes who have donated almost generously to you, My Lord.

IT IS TRUE, YOU HAVE DELIVERED MANY OF MY CHILDREN FROM THEIR SATURDAY HANGOVER AT THE BAR NAMED HORNLEE NIGHT SPOT. I AM EVERYWHERE… AND TELL THE OWNER THAT HIS GLITTER BALL DOTH DISPLEASE ME.

Anything you say, My Lord, I’m glad that I have pleased you… and can please you more…. in these strange ways.

DO NOT PUT WORDS IN MY MOUTH FOR IT IS I WHO CREATED WORDS AND I AM NOT PLEASED. IT IS SUCH THAT YOU HAVE PISSED ME OFF WHICH IS TRUE BECAUSE YOUR LORD SAIDETH.

Oh no, My Lord, how have i offended My Creator of all that i cherish?

LIKE THAT R2000 SUIT AND NEW NISSAN BAKKIE WITH CHROME TYRES THAT YOU BOUGHT FROM THE ALMOST GENEROUS TITHES.

Oh… err… you know about that?

THE LORD DOTH NOT MAKE QUESTIONS, THE LORD MAKETH STATEMENTS. SO IT IS SO BECAUSE IT IS SO.

I wish to make myself better in your image, My Lord, and to attract more people nearer to your likeness My Lord.

WHAT KNOW YOU OF MINE IMAGE. I AM NOT IN NEED OF MORTAL COTTON. I AM NAKED AND I AM EVERYWHERRRE.

Sorry, My Lord, sorry, My Lord, your Judas begs your forgiveness.

THAT… IS… NOT… POSSIBLE. YOU HAVE COMMITTED THE GREATEST SIN OF ALL.

But she was so young and beautiful. Please forgive me as my wife often forgives me, My Lord.

THAT IS NOT WHAT I SPEAK OF, NOR YOUR WIFE THAT COVETS THE POSITION OF A PASTOR’S WIFE ABOVE ALL ELSE.

Was it the loan from the coffers, My Lord? Know that i will give it back.

THAT IS ALSO NOT WHAT I SPEAK OF.

Is it about the eternal damnation of that young boy if he didn’t wash my car, My Lord… which, i think, was more like a fib than a lie, My Lord.

NO.

Please guide me, My Lord.

YOU LET POLITICIANS INTO MY HOUSE.

But they wore such fine clothes and attracted more sheep to my flock, My Lord.

MY HOUSE, MY FLOCK.

Yes, My Lord. Sorry, my Lord. How may i seek penance.

THERE IS NO FORGIVENESS, MY JUDAS, THERE IS ONLY MORTAL DAMNATION.

[gulp]

I SENTENCE THEE TO LIFE IN A RENTED HOUSE IN WARD 6 WHERE THE POLITICIANS CANNOT HEAR ME.

Aaaaarghhhhhhhh….

MY WILL BE DONE.

PS: This is dedicated to the religious hypocrites of Knysna. Shame on you for pretending to be righteous politicians whilst damaging our town…. or for those trying to be friends of the powerful whilst knowing the damaging they’re doing. Hypocrisy shouldn’t be a religious belief.